Some moments in life, whether good or bad, can instantly define who you are. As much as I would like to erase its existence, today is about one of those moments.
I lost my temper. For those of you who know me, you aren’t surprised. It’s an area of constant struggle, the thorn in my flesh. Paul had one (see 2 Cor. 12), why should I be surprised that I do too? It’s an area of constant battle and sometimes continual failure. It’s the area I am pretty sure will only be perfected in Christ on the day I reach eternity, but I will fight the good fight until I get there. My temper, my anger, my thoughts, my mouth. The battle rages day and night, my flesh against my spirit. Paul says it perfectly,
“For what I am doing, I do not understand.
For what I will to do, that I do not practice;
but what I hate, that I do…
For the good that I will to do, I do not do;
but the evil I will not to do, that I practice.”
(Romans 7:15, 19)
For those of you who don’t know me, sorry to shatter any notion you may have had of a perfect Christian who is always bright and smiling. For the most part, God has already done a mighty work in me, but there is far more work to be done.
I lost my temper. I make no excuse. It was a heated conversation with someone I love. The situation was volatile. I was trying to make a point. She was upset. I was on edge. She was walking away. I was feeling disrespected. Her voice was growing louder. I was trying to remain calm. She used profanity. I lost it. One f-bomb and I quickly stretched out my hand to slap her. One moment. Even now, I weep. One moment.
These moments aren’t life ending but they are life changing. Once it occurs, it defines you. There’s no going back. I apologized immediately and asked for forgiveness but I was broken. Broken because it’s not the woman I want to be. Broken because it’s not the woman God wants me to be. Broken because I should have maintained self-control. Later, my husband would hold me as I wept, but it would never change that moment. I couldn’t take it back. I couldn’t undo it. I couldn’t make anything different. And I still can’t today.
It occurred years ago, but I’m still reminded of it. If I point out that someone has lost their temper, almost always, I am reminded how I lost mine. Even when it’s not spoken, it feels like the elephant that’s in the room that no one wants to talk about. You know it’s there. I know it’s there. We all know it’s there.
As often happens in my life, a song has mended my heart; Remind Me Who I Am by Jason Gray.
When I lose my way, And I forget my name,
Remind me who I am.
In the mirror all I see, Is who I don’t wanna be,
Remind me who I am.
In the loneliest places, When I can’t remember what grace is.
Tell me once again who I am to You,
Who I am to You.
Tell me lest I forget who I am to You,
That I belong to You.
To You.
God doesn’t define me by this; He knows I’m a sinner and He knows I lost my temper. He also knows that I am His. Because I walk with Him daily and I accept the forgiveness He offers, I am clean. I belong to Him. He calls me His beloved. He takes broken things and makes them whole again, not by my goodness, but by His. Because of the cross there is “No condemnation to those who are in Christ Jesus,who do not walk according to the flesh, but according to the Spirit” (Rom. 8:1).
By His spirit, I walk in the spirit. At that time, I allowed my flesh to win. Since then, I have bought into the lies and accusations. I have allowed myself to be defined by the moment. I have forgotten God has made me a new creation, “Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; old things have passed away; behold, all things have become new” (2 Cor. 5:17). I doubted who God has made me today. Luckily, He (and Jason Gray) reminded me:
When I can’t receive Your love,
Afraid I’ll never be enough,
Remind me who I am.
If I’m Your beloved,
Can You help me believe it.
I’m the one you love,
I’m the one you love,
That will be enough,
I’m the one you love.
He quietly reminds me I don’t have to be enough, because He is enough. My value is because I am loved by the God of the universe. It doesn’t erase this moment from my past. It happened. I won’t ever be able to take it back but God does not define me by it. He sees me through the blood of His son who He sent because I needed a Savior.
It’s the battle I struggle with.
But it’s not who I am in Christ.
It never will be.
Do you have a moment? Have you forgotten who you are in Christ? Beloved, if you let Him, He will remind you. He will show you that you are enough in Him and He sees you as clean and free.
M.
Plans Of Hope 